Through the challenges of luv…it’s still the only thing that inspires me…
Monday December 9, 2024 @ 152pm
This retrograde really been retrograding in ways that pop culture talks about but I have never experienced.
The energies that have reappeared in my life have been overwhelming. And to be honest I am just trying to maintain space for the smoke to clear to see things clearly. My career is going in a forward moving direction, that I am not 100% sure of but I feel very new while still feeling a little blocked. Like I am sooo ready to breakthrough already into new life. I feel like the last 42 years of life is closing or closed but the external reality doesn’t match.
Someone I hadn’t had an opportunity to build with but has been in my view of perception over the last few months and re-appeared in my life and asserted their self a few days before the retrograde took place. And I quickly decided that they are not what I really want in relationship. But after expressing that and opening up conversation about it, I started questioning whether I was self sabotaging…but I think it also is a little of people pleasing trying to rear its old ugly head. Trying to make it work.
Truth is back in May I met someone very special and we just instantly connected on a very deep level, intellectually. He understood me and saw me on a level I have never been seen before. It was truly someone that I didn’t have to translate my soul to because he just got me. I have never felt that safe with someone. But…unfortunately we had to end our connection due to timing. As hurt as I was, I honored and respected that he recognized that he couldn’t give me all I deserved and let me go.
He blew my world apart. Now I cannot tolerate anything less than what he brought to my life. He understood my work. Where I was going and now with this someone new…I don’t have time to catch you up. I need someone that just gets me. I don’t have time to explain myself. Nor do I want to.
There were many reasons why I ended the new connection so quickly. I don’t want to waste either one of our times or “try” to make it make sense. Being a Virgo, ruled by Mercury I can easily list off all the reasons why I don’t want to continue in a connection and that is not to make someone feel bad it’s really just to make the person aware of things I don’t like. And like I have told them, I have no desire to change anyone. I want you to be you. If it naturally doesn’t click then that is ok. I dont want anyone to “change” for me. Especially not because I am pointing out things that are issues for me. That isn’t how long lasting change happens.
So I did end up blocking the person from my phone and they inquired through Instagram if I blocked them and I said, “yes I did.” They then proceeded to ask, “why,” I told them the truth, “I was triggered.” They asked, “how,” and although there were many ways that I was triggered the last trigger for me was calling me while I was asleep at night with a very intense energy.
I startle very easily while I am sleep. Keep in mind I did not handle this person the way I normally do when I start a connection and that was my fault. Normally in a new connection I never give out my phone number. I try and keep conversations on social media platforms until we build enough of a foundation that I feel you will be in my life long enough to deserve my phone number. But I didn’t do that with him. I gave him my number right away. I have noticed when you give your number freely, people can feel a little entitled to access.
But when you have been kept on social media they cherish earning more access. I also normally tell people do not blind call me. Text me first before you decided to just pick up the phone and call me. I like to energetically prepare to be talking on the phone. Or in this case. I felt blindsided by the call because I was sleep and it instantly felt accusatory. They felt like I had, “used them.” That is not the way I want to wake up at 244am. Defending myself. Which I will not do anymore.
I am a very spiritual woman and I have worked extremely hard to keep my energy calm and peaceful. If someone or something feels like it is disrupting my baseline energy, I will not hesitate to cut it off. Also, I do a lot of healing work in my sleep. So to be abruptly disturbed in my sleep is a big no no for me especially if I am disrupted by a negative energy. I do dream work so it is also important that I wake up in a way that allows me to document and process my dreams because I receive a lot of messages in my dreams.
After getting awakened in that way, once I was able to go back to sleep I had a nightmare which is not common for me. That person was in the dream and it was an energy that felt like traumas I have already healed on a very deep level.
I need someone in my life that respects my practices and understands them innately without explanation.
I did end up sending a message through social media explaining that, I don’t like being left on read and that was a reoccurring practice that I didn’t speak on until after they said that they wanted me to “teach them.” I did feel like he read that message and understood that it is common courtesy to acknowledge my message in some form or fashion instead of just starring at my communication. I remembered reposting a quote that said, “people write because no one listens.” I feel that at my core. It is easier for me to write because my whole life I would use my voice and I would be ignored and ridiculed. Honestly my voice never felt safe to share my vulnerability.
This isn’t about this one person. This is about me knowing what I want and not taking anything less. That doesn’t me the person is less than. I just don’t believe that they can provide all that I need and deserve. I have settled for less in relationships my whole life. I don’t want to put in that much work. I believe when you know, you know.
They say relationships are hard work. I don’t believe that, I believe the right person for me, will be easy. And most importantly…feel easy. Feel safe. Feel calm. Easy to communicate. Easy to share my vulnerabilities. We will know how to talk to each other. We will be so invested, we will notice the details about one another and easily provide what the other needs. Be spiritually in synch to intuitively know. Will there be miscommunications? Of course but they can easily be straightened out.
I need an easy luv. I have already fought hard for luv. I dont have fight in me any more. @ 236pm