The inner child healer
Tuesday December 31, 2024 @ 1001pm
Well it is my favorite holiday, New Year’s Eve.
This year has been…it’s weird because it seems I haven’t had the words lately to describe too much of anything. Especially surrounding, “how I am” or reflecting over the year.
…Beauty…I remember probable last year, 2023, my therapist asked me what does beauty mean to me. We had had conversations in the past about being seen as beautiful. Blount truth is…when you have been violated so much in young life…the last thing you want to do is be seen as beautiful. Hell, truth is I didn’t want to be seen at all once I got old enough to disappear.
…@1005pm, “What’s the astrology right now?” Of course we are…lol…Virgo Rising at 14 degrees. 14 degrees is a Taurus degree. Virgo and Taurus are harmonious energies. 2nd decan of Taurus - maiden energy. Evolving in my Taurus energy. My Taurus energy has Chiron there. “I am allowing myself to heal (Chiron) by expressing myself (Taurus) through free writing (Virgo).
I ain’t here to beef with no astrologer 😂. This is Fatimah’s Astrology. My clients like it.
Anyway…I did, by the tail end of this year (November - December) accepted the hard work put in over the last year but for once was able to look back over the last few years and give myself credit for a full transformation. I am so very proud of myself for continuing through the healings and initiations to be where I am today.
And where am I today. Able to finally be still, focus on my wellbeing and self care. ~ @ 1012pm have to pause to convene with the Ancestors on a question that just came to me…@ 1027pm…so I got distracted for 12 minutes 🤦🏽♀️ lol 🤷🏽♀️. But I did get the answers to my questions.
Like I was saying, I grinding intentionally and now it is time to set back into my energy. Feels like I have been on a “press run” for 2 years. Building my brand and image. To finally be at this place where I can relax more. Work smarter. Not harder.
I normally don’t get sick but the beginning of December I got bronchitis which progressed after a week to “walking pneumonia.” I knew it was a divine message. Especially with Mars retrograding in my 1st house. My sister convinced me to go to urgent care since I finally had my Medicare back. (Long story, different day), and reminded me the I was the “bronchitis child.” I stayed with bronchitis, hence finding out that I am allergic to penicillin and sulfa. Sometimes strep throat, excruciating, or an ear infection. I decided today to look up bronchitis in my metaphysical anatomy book by Evette Rose (volume 1) since I am still after almost a month…still coughing. Not as much but still never got back to 100% health. I really do feel like this has prompted me to take a whole new approach to my daily wellness and self care.
Also a lesson learned from this, that I am exploring as I write this, is the level of self sacrifice and shame that is felt for, saying no, I can’t, I dont want to, I dont have it to give. And say it without needing to explain and most important not responding out of a trigger and saying things like, “Im working” or “I’m not feeling well.” Why do we have to burn ourselves out before we allow ourselves to rest. Hell fuck rest! We deserve to relax! Deprogram your mind from thinking that rest isn’t ok.
2025, I vow to be selfish, first. Take excellent care of myself. Never forgetting the value of my delicate energy. Just because I am a fiery passionate person doesn’t mean I need to run on all cylinders. Matter of fact Fatimah, moving forward, I dont want you to ever run on all cylinders. You have earned the calm, peaceful, gently passion.
…Oh!..back to the stars lol…@ 1043pm…22 degrees Virgo Rising. 22 degrees is the last Capricorn degree. And also the degree of my sun and moon. I am also a Virgo rising this current solar return so spending this time writing this feels like the right way to use (Capricorn) the current energy. The moon is still in Capricorn at 25 degrees currently. 25 degrees is an Aries degree. The last of the evolved Aries degrees. Capricorn and Aries square each other and Aries is in my 10th house ruled traditionally by Capricorn. Aries and Capricorn square each other and but overall, I feel like I pushed myself to write this blog entry despite the fact I didn’t want to. I am proving to myself I am the GOAT right now. And the sun is currently 10 degrees Capricorn, which is the first Capricorn degree. Feels very make it or break it. Break out of convention and do your own thing.
…see…you are enjoying getting all this out of your head. Without a whole lot of thinking. Breath of fresh air.
Back to metaphysical anatomy…so I looked up bronchitis, because like sis said, I was “the bronchitis kid.” But what does that mean on a metaphysical level.
“Emotions: Bronchitis often stats when people overwork themselves, enduring long periods of stress. You feel challenged by the amount of guilt, regret or resentment you are holding on to. You feel that all your negative experiences have made you stronger; your strength is based on how much you have survived. This illusion of strength and testing your endurance comes at a price - you are exhausted.”
Welp. I guess that’s that. Lol. Sad but true. Yes, it says more, but you get the point. It did also mention forgiveness and I felt I needed to document that because the word forgiveness has been following me. A word I am definitely grappling with. I can say I forgive myself but I know my actions, some of them probably self consciously, I am not forgiving myself. Then comes the topic of forgiving people who violated you…
So this book also goes into things to consider:
“~Explore trauma related to suppressed sadness…”
@ 1101pm…I saw something yesterday or today…(sigh)…every since I did that mushroom trip…it’s like…see things, having things revealed but…I dont know how to feel…so it’s like I dont feel anything. But not in a bad way. Knowing what someone did to you but…
“~Explore trauma related to feeling powerless and unable to change unhealthy circumstances in your life. You feel offended by the smell of your environment. You made a negative association with certain smalls in the environment and current circumstances and smells are now triggering this.”
@ 1108pm…you know…I also started thinking about my mom saying, I wouldn’t eat when I was young,…she would take me to McDonalds after I would get out of school. She said is was the only thing I would eat.
“~Who made you feel that it is safe to suppress your emotions?…”
“~It’s not safe to cry. What would happen if you cried or someone saw you crying?…”
I was definitely never one that was safe to cry. I stayed serious…learned to stay out of my feelings and stay in my head. I started to observe my every thought. Then I learned how to make organizing my thoughts fun. Lol…compartmentalize them. “Nice and tidy, Virgo. Great job.” Oh! That’s it. “If you fix things before they become a problem then…” “…then…” … “then unpleasant things wont happen…”
@ 1116pm…
“~…you were made to feel guilty for not obeying demands…” I am just reading all this now for the first time…
“~Self-punishing patterns. You overload yourself with too many activities and responsibilities. What is the benefit of this? Does it make you feel important or avoid judgement etc.?”…yes..
“~Always explore the birth trauma and see the Birth section…” @ 1120pm
…ok…that’s all @ 1134pm
Metaphysical Anatomy Volume 1 by Evette Rose https://amzn.to/41XGxH4