Shame

Embarrassment

Once you know better you do better.

But feeling seen as not knowing better or making a mistake makes me want to hide from the world.

One drop. Sacred geometry. Card #1.

Calm in the chaos.

Why does it feel so hard to surrender. To forgive myself.

Why can’t I stop ruminating on certain people that have seen me not at my best.

I have found that not having it together is easier around women than men.

Men in my life seem to be very unforgiving.

…a lot of all this imbalance in my head and emotions is not that others see you as unworthy; its you forgetting that you are worthy. All that you have been through and never give up. Never forget your heart speaks louder than any of the actions you constantly ruminate over. Affirm: the purity of my heart weighs more than the mistakes I have made. I ask the Divine for loving forgiveness and it is given easily.

From a psychological perspective what is it that causes a survivor to feel they don’t deserve to be forgiven. Like an abused child, they had no control over what happened but it’s almost like they spend the majority of their lives feeling unworthy. What is that? Something that wasn’t their fault impacts them so severely that it’s impossible to see that the way they cope is all on them and not due to what they have been through.

If there was only some way to re wire the brain to be able to let go of the consequences to the actions and be able to understand the why. Like whenever the mind wants to self deprecate the switch is flipped to say, that is not you, that is a symptom of what happened to you.

Hmmm. I think people think it is weird that I talk so much about trauma but why, because I am a trauma survivor. If I was a trauma therapist it wouldn’t seem weird.

I know I am fascinated by it because I feel like the more I understand the neuroscience behind trauma I can not only help myself but hopefully help so many others.

I hear people say things about using trauma as an excuse.

Or simply saying to heal it. I want to be a real depiction of what that healing may look like. I feel like these “gurus” and “teachers” emerge in what appears to be a “healed” state. But I also think when that happens it is easy for the students to put them on a pedestal. That is not to knock anyone.

Then I think or am I just trying to keep myself in a lower standing, not allowing myself to ascend. I am reminded of a story of a woman/ ascended master (a card in a deck) where instead of ascending beyond, she decided to stay and assist others on their journey of ascension.