Worthy!

The image of you in the store with her has been haunting me.

March 17th.

One week into Ramadan,

a holy time we were practicing together.

At least I thought…

I kept hearing you say, “WE’re celibate for Ramadan.”

That did it for me.

I was in luv.

The connection was so strong in my heart, for some time but I was in denial.

But no…wait to tell him your true feelings until after Ramadan.

“Ramadan will bring enlightenment…”(I had no idea).

“Focus on your practices.”

“Strengthen your connection to the Divine.”

That first week of Ramadan, still seeing you, the desire was strong as ever.

I thought, “mmm, when we come back together…it’s going down.”

Then I saw you…and her…

24 hours prior I was recording and I see “surrender unhealthy relationships.”

I stop at that moment and pray that God reveal to me anyone that I needed to release…

Hmm…I don’t even shop in Walmart.

The way God aligned me to be in that place at that time…

My heart instantly broke.

Sick to my stomach.

But I couldn’t fall apart.

We exchange a smile and hello.

Me and you…a smile and hello…

We were approaching 2 years of whatever this thing was.

Going back and forth between dealing and leaving.

Alwaze coming back together.

Unable to resist.

The last time I ended things,

I finally spoke up.

“I need more and deserve more.”

It’s my fault for accepting the bare minimum effort to begin again.

I wanted the drug that I had become adDICted to.

I guess thats the part that blows me,

you never had a reason to keep her from me.

I specifically asked if you were dealing with anyone else.

You told me, “No. Not at this time.” You were focused on your business.

I asked you if you can let me know if you do start to entertain someone else.

You said, “yes.”

You know my lifestyle, so why didn’t you feel comfortable enough to just tell me?

As I approach this Full Moon in Scorpio, I felt it was finally time to speak on it.

Couldn’t wait for you to bring it up.

As we have seen each other numerous times since.

The vibe definitely changed but I guess we were both just going to attempt to move forward without any acknowledgment.

I’m not one for wanting to share emotions but I know how necessary it is for me to speak up and be heard.

Truth is, you taught me sooo much and I am grateful.

Truth is,…I fell in love.

And I can say that I will alwaze have love for you.

I just wish, honestly, I knew how you feel, felt…

I think what hurt the most was the feeling once again in my life that I am so damaged that I am not worth investing in.

I have alwaze felt like a secret.

Great person to have sex with but nothing more.

…I am crying just writing this out loud…

I went mushroom tripping and have been grappling with the awareness that sexual abuse happened long before 16…

Allah, I pray that you bless me with a man that doesn’t see me as broken, but sees me as the survivor, the warrior,…but also sees me as the soft, sensual, loving, sweet woman that I am.

I never know where my writings will go…

I pray that I can close the chapter on men that dont value ALL that I am.

I pray that I can hold solid tight boundaries.

Demand effort. Demand vulnerability. Demand desire.

Demand ALL that I deserve.

I can’t lie it makes me mad that humans have not evolved to a place where sex is the high vibrational spiritual experience that can build deeper emotional intimacy and relationships.

It’s like you exchange energy and most can’t move beyond that space.

Sex is expansive! It should expand the connection beyond physical.

It’s a great tool on the souls journey when intertwined with others that honor it as such.

Having experienced too much sexual trauma, I am at the point in my life where I just want to explore.

Take back my power. Reclaim my sexuality. Reclaim my sensuality.

OUTLOUD!

But…instead I feel like I am being forced into celibacy because honestly…there is no one worthy of my time, energy or body.

…I think that is it…

I thought I was going to talk about how seeing you with her made me feel so unworthy…

But I have alwaze been worthy.

I know I am an amazing person.

I know that what others do to me has nothing to do with me.

I’ve alwaze known…in my solitude…

just haven’t figured out how to hold that vibration when I let others in…

…I luv u

…thank you for all the things

…still my homie

…just had to get it off my chest so I can move forward.

Tuesday April 23, 2024 @ 1203pm